I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
