I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I'd cum for enchiladas.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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