Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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