I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
