Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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