My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
