How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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