Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
