Im at strip club and am horny
I just made out with a guy for $7.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
