For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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