theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
