I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
