fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
