stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
