I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
