so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
These tits shall not be calmed
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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