I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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