just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
