The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
