I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Damn victory sex feels great
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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