Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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