I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
