My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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