I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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