he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
