i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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