she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Are my feet made of real feet?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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