FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
