She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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