today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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