What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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