if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I have tasted many bathrooms
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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