dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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