Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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