No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize