Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
