This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
