pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
