if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
