Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
