Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
