Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Randomize
