I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
