Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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