Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
