I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Randomize
