if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
