go do what you do best...puke behind churches
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
