I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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