Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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