u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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