he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
