I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
