youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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