my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
