Who did Billy Mays play for?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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