I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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