I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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