Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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