That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
